Dr Tara J. Palmatier of Shrink4Men nails this one on the head. This is hardly ever considered by the courts who believe all men are perpetrators.
Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?
If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.
Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?
1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.
Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.
2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.
Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.
Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.
3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, psychopathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.
Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.
4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.
Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazymaking behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.
5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. This is another Borderline characteristic. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be ok for you to Blackberry again.
Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.
Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior, men. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.
6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy or being called on her bullshit. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can be the victim later on. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.
Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.
7) Emotional blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.
Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.
8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.
Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.
9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.
Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.
10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.
Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.
You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.
Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. Get support, get out, and stay out.
19 responses so far ↓
1 Why Parental Alienation is the Act of an Emotionally Abusive Bully « A Shrink for Men // Feb 25, 2009 at 1:48 pm
[...] Men’s Centers has also linked to my blog and Washington DV Press reposted one of my blogs to their site. I’m grateful and honored that they find my writing [...]
2 jlukas // Feb 25, 2009 at 2:49 pm
We are grateful for your knowledge.
3 me // Jun 13, 2009 at 1:04 pm
This is a whole crock of crap and will just make it harder for every battered woman out there.Did you ever think that the man was being such a JERK that she is acting out this way?Just what we need,more nonvalidation.
4 Carol // Jun 13, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Go to hell
5 jlukas // Jun 13, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Thanks, Carol!
We like to show what we’re up against. It’s posts like those that make that easy for us.
It’s kinda funny when a woman like you takes time out her day to go to the Vancouver Public Library to post this.
You Googled me with the search words of:
“when abusive men act like the victim”.
Here’s a tip for you. Many don’t. They are the victim of predatory women such as yourself.
Hava nice day!
WADVPress
6 Snoco Sum Biatch // Jun 13, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Yes Carol, Spoken like a true abuser. Please forward a copy to your husband so he knows what he is married to. Or your Girlfriend, whatever your abusive case might be.
7 Snoco Sum Biatch // Jun 13, 2009 at 2:48 pm
John,
I think you should do a public disclosure request to the Vancouver Library to see who was logged into that computer when the message was sent. After all, we should have Carol’s Firsta and Last name posted so people know what she is really like.
8 Mike // Jun 27, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Allow me to give a real world example:
I was 30, she 28. Fell madly in love. 2.2 year relationship, 5 break-ups, all initiated by her. Only when she had my full attention, at all times, was she happy with me/the relationship.
o 4 months in, first break-up, out of nowhere. We had been doing great, unbelievable chemistry, every day time was spent together, fantastic Grand Canyon trip. One night: “we have to talk… can’t do this… fundamental differences.” Starts criticizing my friends: your friends are too young (~2-4 years younger than me) and I don’t like that you smoke pot when with them (she had been partaking occasionally). “Okay, I haven’t been planning on doing that forever… I’m willing to change that.” Example of Emotional Blackmail/Isolating/black&white thinking – rather than talk about it, resorts to break-up.
o She moves away to go to grad school. Every weekend, for 8 months, I drive 8 hours round trip. Every night, talk on the phone for an hour. She becomes more critical of my family and friends, slowly convincing me stuff is wrong with them (these people are Ph.D. candidates). California trip to visit her dad for Xmas. Red-eye flight back to East coast, I got no sleep. Over-tired, haven’t eaten and cranky, and having made all the arrangements for the trip, I ask her if she could call her brother to pick us up (20 minute car ride). She won’t do it, I get snarky and am miffed about having to shell out another $50 for a cab ride. I drive the 4 hours back to where I live and, the next day, get an email saying we need to break up because I “raged” at her and have anger control problems. I never yelled at her once, cursed, or freaked out. Convinces me I have anger issues that I need to work on. Was just a little pissed. Emotional blackmail/Rejection. Oh yeah, I had already put in notice and taken a new job where she lives to move to be with her!
o 6 weeks after moving (leaving a great job, friends/family), a number of friends want to come visit to check out my new digs. 2/5 first weekends we spend together (B&B’s, nice dinners during the week), the others, friends come down to see the new city. 6th weekend, she breaks up with me! “You’re _always_ going to have friends around… I wanted to make you feel comfortable down here.” So, she’s got me to move for her, away from friends/family, I’m figuring out a new city & job, and now I’m not spending enough time with her and she doesn’t see a transition phase needed? Emotional blackmail/Rejection/Unreasonable expectations.
o 3 months later, we get back together. I give her a month long 30th bday celebration. We fall in love all over again. My cat allergies go through the roof in the winter, can’t spend a lot of time at her place, and she doesn’t want to stay at mine (has to take care of the cats). No compromise. A few months later, friends come into town for my bday. She’s going to “make herself scarce.” They all want to spend a bit of time with her – I tell her we’re willing to do anything she wants whenever she wants. “You were talking to your friends about ME?!” “This isn’t about YOU,” I say frustatedly and forcibly. She says I just “raged” at her and blows up. Tells me to get out of her place or she’ll call the cops. Ends the relationship.
In the aftermath, over the course of 2 months I try contacting her a half a dozen times or so. I’m devastated over the loss. She goes to the police, saying I’m harassing her. I see a few therapists who say I was completely and totally emotionally abused. They say, “she’s good” – and say sounds absolutely like Borderline Personality.
It was all done very subtly throughout the relationship. I was always made to think that I was in the wrong (by her mom, too), that I needed to change… that I needed to put her at the absolute center of my life at all times. I was completely traumatized throughout – always pouring in more and more of myself, financial help, gifts… it was NEVER enough. I’m 4 months out now, and still feel a horrible loss, coming out of a horrible depression.
All of the above is completely accurate. It’s exactly what I experienced. It’s like being a frog in a pot of water, and very slowly brought to a boil. You don’t see it happening, you only sort of know something is just not quite right – but… maybe she’s right? Maybe I’m not doing X, Y, Z enough? Or, maybe if I pour still MORE in, maybe she’ll finally give me a concession and be able to always hold in her mind my dedication, affection and love?
I’m only starting to really realize that it would have NEVER been enough. I could have become exactly what she wanted at every second of the day, and then THAT would have been the problem. There is no way to win. And the sad part is, she’ll never get help – she thinks she’s got it all figured out and will only see a therapist for a short period of time… the minute she’s called out on something, she’s gone.
9 John Lukas // Jun 27, 2009 at 5:47 pm
That as the story of my life/wife as well. Except that I endured for eighteen years, one separation, three break-ups, one divorce, before I took her back again.
That was the biggest mistake of my life.
My advice to you is to cut her off, and run the other direction as fast as you can. NEVER look back on that action.
Run. Or you will wind up in jail.
WADVPress
10 Why Parental Alienation is the Act of an Emotionally Abusive Bully « A Shrink for Men « Parental Rights // Aug 9, 2009 at 8:03 pm
[...] Men’s Centers has also linked to my blog and Washington DV Press reposted one of my blogs to their site. I’m grateful and honored that they find my writing [...]
11 Mike McNeary // Oct 17, 2009 at 11:25 am
Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy,………… She’ll beat you if she’s able You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet….. we should listen to this Eagles song over and over and over again. Keep on riding and movin until you find that Queen of Hearts.Let the Queen of Diamonds keep her diamonds you just get the -ell out of Dodge.
12 Mike McNeary // Oct 17, 2009 at 11:29 am
DSHS is a thorn in the side of the Gov.Write to her office and send all the evidence we have of the injustice in the court system and the child support arena. She has a web site flood it with emails that say were cowboying up were mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Lets run our own candidate for gov.Lets be the men were capable of being.
13 Dr Tara J. Palmatier // Jan 29, 2010 at 9:07 am
I am the author of the above post, Dr Tara J. Palmatier. However, you have not cited thie as my original work. Please credit me and post a link back to the original article or remove the article .
Thank you,
Dr Tara J. Palmatier
Shrink4Men
14 jlukas // Jan 29, 2010 at 10:59 am
Tara:
My apologies. I just got back from California and will correct this immediately. I did not notice who the author was from the post that this was taken from, but I did receive their approval to repost it. I would also like to post your bio along with it. Could you also pass that along to me?
John Lukas
jlukas@wadvpress.org
WADVPress
15 andrew // Mar 13, 2010 at 1:52 am
(note: the website i put in the above space, is just for shameless self-promo purposes, as i am a professional musician in LA…hope you don’t mind)
OKAY! WHY I’M WRITING?
because man oh man, i had a doozey of a ride with a number of these women. not all, but MUCH of my love life has been characterized by this sort of thing. and it all started with who? why, my mother of course, who i think is some kind of narcissistic, PTSD, borderline, i GUESS. whatever. she’s all that stuff. an example, by way of how I AM affected by it now, age 47. i HATE christmas. or maybe i’m afraid of it. god forbid we would agree to have the family Xmas at our house, because the fecal matter was going to be hitting the rotary cooling device FOR SURE! “andrew, come down here and vacuum this floor, i cant be expected to do every goddamn thing!!!” “okay mom, be right down, when i’m finished ironing the linen napkins.” “NOOOOOW!!!! DAMMIT!!! NOOOOW!!!, you’re just wasting time up there, like you always do with EVERYTHING!!!” “but mom!” “I SAID RIGHT NOWWWWW”
then i was usually told DURING dinner than my gift was somehow inadequate and that i must not really appreciate all she does for my brother and me. or, her sister, or a friend, might start calling me a “NE’ER DO WELL” and i’m like 14 years old. and my mom would emphatically agree, and was very willing to even expound and expand on the ne’er do well thing, and tell me i’d never get a girl or amount to much if i didn’t do this that and the other thing to get my act together. this would sometimes go on, until i was in tears, and i would run up to my room and hide in my pillow, and she and her mother maybe in SOME cases, would FOLLOW ME INTO MY ROOM and continue the assault, until i was literally crying, begging them to please just love me. PLEEEEEZ???!!! just crying, nothing left. if i was ever criticized or mistreated by a teacher or some other instructor or “elder”, no matter NOW OUTRAGEOUS the accusation (like i was trying to look like my favorite rock group when i was 16-17 and how AWFUL that was to do) she would IMMEDIATELY side with the other party, and start trying to throw my favorite clothes away while i was out. shall i go on? nah.
i get older. start liking girls. some of my girlfriends have been really wonderful. truly. but maaaan some of the others, and probably MOST of them, have just been total haters. they begin to denigrate and belittle me, sometimes in public, after a while, for the very traits they fell in love with after a while in the relationship. they’d TELL me i wasn’t ANYWHERE NEAR the best lover they’d ever had, or ONE DID THAT. that was the same one who once told me that no matter what, she’d be by my side, even if i wanted out. she’d made her commitment, and that was final. which at the time i felt was kinda ballsy and cool. but by the time i was ready to really commit like that, about a year later, everything had changed. she was making herself IMPOSSIBLE to live with, for all the reasons you might imagine and more. in the meantime, my long lost daughter had come onto the scene. since she had not grown up with me, i knew i couldn’t steam in there and act like super dad, i’d have to play it cool. but soon, my daughter started exhibiting some of the same traits. one evening, while i had been trying to see these two as “my females forever, my family–finally!!!” they were sitting on either side of me, in my $650,000 house, which i freely shared with my girlfriend (she didn’t even pay one bill) and they seemed unable to THINK OF ENOUGH REASONS AND MEANS BY WHICH I HAD F**KED THEIR LIVES UP!!! the bickering and complaining went on for hours. and i swear to you, i was really trying to be a standup guy and love these two, while carefully avoiding falling into the “needy” or “desperate” or “clingy” trap by being too much of a pushover. i’m a good dude. and i’m a good looking easily lovable, charitable, kind, generous, affectionate man, with my “dark” side, which many have told me make me even more interesting, y’know cuz i’m an artist. so i’m just…i dunno, a BAD ASS. and i have always had a lot of attention from women, since the girls chased me and kissed me in the third grade. haha. i admit that may have given me a certain sense of entitlement, but what i’m trying to say is, that these two, my OWN DAUGHTER included, coulda done a LOT worse than me, for a father and mate. but when the time came, after she took an outrageous action toward me, i threw my girlfriend out. i couldn’t do it for one more MINUTE! unfortunately she had had enough time and had taken every opportunity, with her mother as well, to “brainwash” my 18 year old daughter into thinking i was no good. and she should get in on the act of hurting me much and as often as possible. so, when the girlfriend FINALLY ACTUALLY moved out, my daughter went with her. that was three years ago. they still talk on myspace and facebook like they’re the best of friends just laughin it up all the time. my daughter actually LIVES in sweden, and comes to visit the ex, who of course she is not even related to, and is married to someone else now, out here in LA, and wont see me, but makes sure i know she’s here. THREE YEARS LATER, they’re still at it. let me tell you, they made me hurt so badly, that i didn’t know such pain existed. much less did i ever think i’d have to FACE such relentless painful rejection, which was intentional, pre-meditated, calculated for particular effect, and RELENTLESS. i never thought i could have ever done anything to make ANYONE need to get even with me so badly. they didn’t put me near jail. but they almost got me dead. after a year of car crashes, fist fights, drug over doses, etc etc, i FINALLY started to feel better. oh, by the way, the whole time i was hurting so badly, my mom, was believing all these calculated little lies about me from my daughter without so much as a phonecall to find out if it was true or not. she just believed it, and of course scolded me for being such an ass….. . SO!
i’m better now. i will always have that story in my MIND as a warning, and an example to share when necessary, but i DID my grieving and craziness. my only solace is in know that they DIDNT’ my GF married some poor bastard who’s handling her now, and totally blind so far, and i know that those girls MUST have some lingering sadness waaaaaaay down there in their hearts, though i know they’ll never deal with it, until maybe, it’s too late. THEY ALMOST RUINED ME. and the CERTAINLY ruined a beautiful home and situation, without doubt. and seeming without any remorse. but i know it’s there. and it eats at them. and i….
DON’T CARE. aaaaaah. kick back. NEXT!
thanks for reading me.
andrew.
16 andrew // Mar 13, 2010 at 1:54 am
if anyone would like to comment directly to me for the above post, i’d love to have your input, and any tips you might have as far as making sure i dont’ have to go through that again, and maybe what to do about daughter if anything.
thank you.
17 jlukas // Mar 13, 2010 at 9:39 am
We’d love for them to exhibit these qualities as well, Andrew. We know the type. And when we use the gender feminist logic such as this article exhibits, just look at the reaction. Now, they know how we feel. It’s not OK for men to have feelings now, is it?:)
18 andrew // Mar 15, 2010 at 2:31 am
actually, i guess its not. whenever i TRIED to talk to most anyone about what was happening and how i felt, they didn’t really wanna hear it. and man, if my GF found out i had said ANYTHING about ANYTHING to ANYONE about US, it was “on” as they say. i was in big trouble. when i’d try to get SOMETHING out of them when the separation came, i remember telling them both, that i never did ANYTHING wrong, except be a human man, and that there was nothing wrong with me that wasn’t just as wrong with someone else, maybe “wronger”. and they just didn’t give a rat’s. it was the most painful thing that ever happened to me by far, and it seems even now, like not one person i knew cared about how i felt or how it was ruining my life.
very SCARY stuff.
19 jlukas // Mar 15, 2010 at 2:57 am
Don’t let that stop you. That’s called threats, intimidation, coercion, and minimization. They’d have a problem explaining that, because that’s the credo they blame you for. A good defense requires a good offense, my friend.
WADVPress
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