One day in December of 2005, Colleen Nestler came to Santa Fe County District Court in New Mexico with a bizarre seven-page typed statement and requested a domestic-abuse restraining order against late-night TV host David Letterman. She stated, under oath, that Letterman seriously abused her by causing her bankruptcy, mental cruelty, and sleep deprivation since 1994. Nestler also alleged that he sent her secret signals “in code words” through his television program for many years and that he “responded to my thoughts of love” by expressing that he wanted to marry her.
Judge Daniel Sanchez issued a restraining order against Letterman based on those allegations. By doing so, it put Letterman on a national list of domestic abusers, gave him a criminal record, took away several of his constitutionally protected rights, and subjected him to criminal prosecution if he contacted Nestler directly or indirectly, or possessed a firearm.
Letterman had never met Colleen Nestler, and this all happened without his knowledge. Nonetheless, she requested that the order include an injunction requiring him not to “think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering.” Asked to explain why he had issued a restraining order on the basis of such an unusual complaint, Judge Sanchez answered that Nestler had filled out the restraining-order request form correctly. After much national ridicule, the judge finally dismissed the order against Letterman. Those who don’t have a TV program and deep pockets are rarely so fortunate.
Is This American Justice?
Letterman’s experience is replicated in state courts around the country thousands of times daily. Consider what happened to Todd, whose estranged wife went to court secretly and obtained a restraining order against him. She swore that three men dressed in purple Fathers for Justice camouflage uniforms broke into her apartment, pushed her violently onto her couch, choked her severely, and threatened her, telling her that she better not go back to court. She complained that these were agents of the husband, as he belonged to that group. She did not call the police, but decided to go to work. Later she collapsed near the entrance of a hospital emergency room in a dramatic flourish.
As Todd’s lawyer, I provided evidence that her story was as phony as the one about David Letterman. The wife lived in a large apartment building on a main road with a busy lobby and a nosy superintendent across the hall from her. However, no one saw or heard the three strangely dressed intruders enter or leave during rush hour. The hospital records showed no bruises or evidence of physical assault. The court vacated the order against Todd.
Courts are easily manipulated by those pretending to seek protection from abuse because the political climate reinforces that men are abusers, and there is no penalty for false claims. Thus, they embolden applicants to use them for ulterior motives, such as to gain an advantage in divorce, to get custody of children easily without a family court hearing, or as a quick eviction process. Sometimes the motive is revenge or worse. For example, an order was issued against Brendan, father of two daughters, because he brought flowers to his child’s home for her 10th birthday right after he sought enforcement of a custody order that the mother was routinely violating. Brendan was literally accused of “sneaking” into the yard to deliver flowers, nothing more, yet a restraining order was filed against him. This order was later vacated by a court.
An applicant can get a domestic-abuse restraining order for just about any reason. A report from an organization called Respecting Accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting (RADAR) suggests that it is as easy to obtain a restraining order as a hunting or fishing license. You fill out the forms and tell the judge you are afraid, and you get an order almost automatically. RADAR states: “The law defines almost any interpersonal maladjustment as ‘domestic violence,’ the courts then establish procedures to expedite the issuance of these orders.”
The restraining-order laws of the several states are remarkably similar in their wording, as though an invisible hand were guiding them. They allow a woman to come to court secretly and claim that she feels fearful of “abuse” from a family member or person she lives with. The accused person is not there, and there is no requirement to notify him. There are no traditional rules of evidence, no opportunity for cross examination, no burden of proof beyond a reasonable doubt, no jury, nor even a necessity to have a story that makes sense.
The definition of “abuse” set forth in these state laws is always subjective, rather than requiring an injury or genuine threat. They all include a clause that expands abuse to include “fear of harm,” often including even “emotional harm.” Courts routinely issue orders on sworn statements like, “I just don’t know what he may do,” or, “he has a long history of verbal and emotional abuse.”
A week after the initial secret hearing, a “return” hearing is held, where the defendant gets to tell his side of the story. He is usually allowed to present evidence and testimony, but it is often difficult to assemble needed documents and witnesses in that short period. Most of the temporary orders are extended for a year, regardless of the evidence, alibi, or witnesses offered.
To some judges, evidence is irrelevant; they just issue orders. Professor Stephen Baskerville, in his book Taken Into Custody, quotes Judge Richard Russell of Ocean City, New Jersey, at a restraining-order training seminar:
Throw him out on the street, give him the clothes on his back and tell him, “See ya around.”… The woman needs this protection because the statute granted her that protection…. They have declared domestic violence to be an evil in our society. So we don’t have to worry about the rights. Grant every order. That is the safest thing to do.
My client Mr. L’s experience is a perfect example of this. I filed a motion to vacate the restraining order his ex-wife had against him, and she filed one to extend it, so the judge held a hearing to consider both motions — sort of. Here is the pertinent part of the actual transcript of the hearing to vacate the order:
Mr. Hession: Can you please state your name and your address for the record? [The Court argues with counsel as to whether Mr. L can testify.]
The Court: I don’t believe I need to hear any evidence from your client. I’m going to deny your request to vacate the restraining order.
The hearing on whether to extend the order was no better:
The Court: Mrs. L_____, do you remain fearful of your husband?
Mrs. L_____: Yes. [Weeping]
The Court: Thank you.
The judge then extended the restraining order for a year, without Mr. L uttering his name on the witness stand, and with one generalized question to the wife about “fear.” Judges who conduct hearings like this violate their oath to apply the law impartially and encourage the filing a false complaints — which is an enormous problem.
According to professor of accountancy Benjamin P. Foster, Ph.D, CPA, CMA, of the 4,796 emergency protective-order petitions issued in West Virginia in 2006, an estimated 80.6 percent “are false or unnecessary.” Foster acknowledges the duplicitous nature of many of the complaints: “In divorce and child custody cases, a party generally obtains favorable treatment when the other party has engaged in domestic violence.” In West Virginia, one incident of domestic violence, “which includes ‘reasonable apprehension of physical harm’ and ‘creating fear of physical harm by harassment, psychological abuse,’… could impact the Parenting plan approved by the Family Court.” On the other hand, a “parent must have repeatedly made fraudulent reports of domestic violence or child abuse” to lose favor with a court. (Emphasis added.) Just the “identifiable costs” — the cost for the state, not the victims — for these false reports was in excess of $18,200,000 in 2006.
Drastic Punishment
Falsely issued restraining orders are of great concern because the punishment that is meted out to defendants is so drastic. After an initial secret restraining order is issued, the clerk faxes it to the local police, who then serve it on the defendant. Since most orders contain a “no contact” provision, the first thing the police do is remove the man from his home, with little more than the shirt on his back, just as Judge Richard Russell urged in his judicial training. Utterly taken by surprise, the man usually has no idea that the hearing took place, that the order was granted, or what he may have done to deserve it. The police are rarely sympathetic.
Most restraining orders require that the defendant may not contact the plaintiff directly or indirectly or get within some distance, usually 100 yards, of the alleged “victim.” Often, wives place the children as “co-victims” on these orders, so the defendant cannot contact his children either. “No contact” means no phone calls, cards, letters, or even incidentally running into the person.
No reconciliation is possible once an order is issued because any contact is a crime and subjects the violator to immediate arrest and jail. Even indirect contact is a crime, such as asking a relative to help work things out. Many men have sent flowers to a spouse or a birthday card to a child, only to end up in prison. Once an order is in place, the state becomes the father in the family, pushing out the real one.
Most district attorneys, prompted by feminist political pressure, have a “no-drop” policy on prosecuting all violations of restraining orders, no matter how minor. Joseph found that out the hard way. His wife obtained a restraining order after telling the judge he had kicked a plastic cooler and slammed the door while leaving his house. She omitted the part about telling him she had found another man.
No abuse or threat had occurred, but an order was issued against Joseph anyway. While it was in place, the wife made 14 false criminal complaints about violations of the order, which resulted in some arrests. I had to go to court with Joseph again and again, and we somehow managed to beat every case. Only a dysfunctional system allows a complainant to continue to make such false allegations without any accountability whatsoever.
Restraining orders also interfere with Second Amendment rights. Each state’s laws require that a defendant surrender all guns and ammunition, and violation of this provision is not only a state crime, but a federal one, under the Violence Against Women Act of 1994.
“Mike” was an Air Force officer in charge of a military police unit on base. When his ex-wife got a restraining order against him, he lost his right to carry a weapon and had to take a desk job. He had custody of their child, which the mother resented. She came to a child’s doctor appointment and attempted to create an incident, but was unsuccessful. However, the mother went to the local police to help her get an order. She told the police that there was no abuse and no history of abuse, so they wouldn’t get involved. She then went to the court in the adjoining state where she lived and claimed that there was abuse, and obtained a restraining order. Then, to cover her tracks, she went back to the police in the husband’s state and requested that they change her statement about no abuse. Eventually, he was able to remove the order, after hiring an expensive lawyer in the wife’s state.
Many police officers and military personnel who carry firearms are not so lucky, and have had careers permanently ruined by false allegations on restraining orders. In many places, once an order issues, even if it is eventually vacated, it is often impossible to get a gun license back.
Restraining orders especially impact the children. These orders are frequently used as a quick and dirty custody hearing, without the trouble of going to family court. In one minute, the father can lose the right to see his children for a year or longer. Children often get used as pawns in these situations, without any rebuke from a judge. While judges certainly know that falsely obtained orders are pervasive, they care little for the well-being of the children who are harmed by losing their father for long periods. The children often have no understanding of why they are being kept from their father because the father cannot even speak to them.
If dad works from home, as more people are now doing, additional problems arise. Under any order, he will be summarily evicted, and thus lose access to phones, business records, and equipment, without recourse. As a RADAR report puts it: “The man, now homeless and distraught, has only a few days to find a lawyer and prepare a defense.” When a home business is involved, he now cannot earn income, although he may be ordered to pay child support, needs alternate living quarters, and may have had his bank account emptied by his wife.
The case of Bob, who worked from home, shows the misuse of orders against self-employed persons. His wife got a restraining order against him, based on “a long history of verbal and emotional abuse,” which is not a legal basis for an order. After it was issued, Bob had to leave the home he owned prior to his marriage, in which he had his home-based business. Eventually, he was allowed to do business in one half of the home, while his wife and children lived in the other half. Despite her alleged “fear,” the wife came within a few feet of Bob on a regular basis. Meanwhile, the disruption of his business, the stress involved, and support payments destroyed him financially. He could not pay the huge child and spousal support assessments ordered by the court, which totaled triple his net income, and he was jailed twice. His business suffered, and he has still not recovered from the experience.
Skewed View of Abuse
The domestic-abuse industry has become a multi-billion dollar business during the last three decades, fueled by large influxes of government money and bolstered by media hysteria about abuse. Retired Massachusetts Judge Milton Raphaelson has stated, however, that there is not an epidemic of domestic violence, but rather an epidemic of hysteria about domestic violence.
State restraining-order laws suddenly sprang up in every state during the 1970s, at the insistence of radical feminist groups who had gained political ascendency. Family abuse was indeed a problem. However, the feminists identified the problem wrongly and proposed a solution that made it worse.
Building on the sensationalism of certain well-publicized cases, feminists built an “identity politics” view of abuse. It is true that some men still ascribed to the chauvinist notion that women were chattel and could be maltreated with impunity, but the feminists exploited that fact and got laws that harmed, not just men, but families. They declared that men were abusers and women were victims. Abused women were shown off at legislative hearings to manipulate the mostly male legislators into passing restraining-order laws.
For the first time, we now have laws that penalize people before they are proven to be criminals, for something they only might do. The laws are paradigms of pragmatism over principle, as they jettison centuries of highly developed legal theory and substitute a subjective and weak new legal framework which allows baseless allegations, while making it very difficult to defend against them. They allow a woman to claim “fear” of abuse, even if none has happened, leading to a classic “he said, she said,” where she holds all the cards.
While many persons involved in passing these laws may have been well-meaning, thinking they were going to help stop abuse, the unintended (or perhaps intended) consequences have been to change the very fabric of the legal system, and to decimate millions of families. In my experience, little abuse has been prevented by these laws. Stats back this up. For example, in West Virginia between 1981 and 1992, “domestic violence claims increased 466% from 1,065 to 6,029” and in Puerto Rico after a comprehensive domestic violence law was instituted in 1989, violence claims “did not decline or level off,” according to Professor Foster.
Answer to Domestic Violence?
Domestic-abuse restraining orders came about because a certain number of abusers really do assault and batter their partners. Scores of studies have attempted to understand the problem and find practical solutions, but domestic-abuse restraining orders are a flawed solution that has made the problem worse.
First, they have identified the wrong culprit. Women commit abuse more than men do. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports, “In nonreciprocally violent relationships, women were the perpetrators in more than 70 percent of the cases. Reciprocity was associated with more frequent violence among women, but not men.” Psychologist John Archer reviewed hundreds of studies and concluded, “Women were slightly more likely than men to use one or more acts of physical aggression and to use such acts more frequently.” While men are more often the victims of abuse, women are injured more often and more severely than men. Moreover, about two-thirds of the reported cases are minor, such as throwing a pillow.
Has anyone vilified Hillary Clinton for throwing household objects at Bill, or singer Amy Winehouse for using her husband as a “punch bag”? We are desensitized to violence against men. In domestic arrest situations, it is almost always the man who is arrested, even if he is the only one injured. None of this is to justify abuse by anyone, only to show the fallacy of focusing solely on the abuse of women. Such unequal application of the law has likely led to more trauma and abuse than it purports to prevent, as well as destroyed respect for the system among fair-minded persons.
Whenever lawmakers respond to political pressure, a bad law is the usual result. Law has the properly limited purpose of insuring restitution to victims of those who intrude on the person or property of others. It has never been preventative, as domestic-abuse restraining-order laws seek to be, nor should it be. If true abuse does occur — a relative or non-relative threatens to batter or kill you or actually does physically attack — you are already able to make a criminal complaint for assault (which is defined as a threat to batter) and battery. And a criminal restraining order will likely be set in place. These new restraining-order laws seek to prevent crime by identifying persons who may commit one, and stop it before it happens. However, this is entirely speculative, and cannot identify perpetrators with any reliability.
In our imperfect world, we settle for an imperfect system that uses fear of punishment, rather than preemption, as its primary deterrent, but look at the alternative. With unjust restraining-order laws, we are creating a legal system that victimizes large groups of innocent people. We need to develop a better system, before we completely lose control of the present one. Thomas Reed, Speaker of the House of Representatives in the late 19th century, said, “One of the greatest delusions in the world is the hope that the evils in this world are to be cured by legislation.” Domestic-abuse restraining-order laws are a vain and delusional attempt to do so, and we need to eliminate them.
Violence Against Women Act
Nothing illustrates the political tablet upon which domestic restraining orders are written better than the federal Violence Against Women Act of 1994, passed during the Clinton presidency. It took a bad system and made it worse by providing federal money to certain favored programs that foment more dissension between the sexes.
The act was designed to create a federal effort to address violence against women by providing uniform definitions of abuse and providing funds for victim advocates, women’s shelters, and counseling. It also instructs and enlists local police in the effort to combat domestic violence and make more arrests, and it coordinates interstate enforcement efforts of abuse-protection orders.
The act is discriminatory on its face, since it gives a political, legal, and financial advantage to women in family court matters. As the rantings of Judge Richard Russell in his judicial training seminar about restraining orders reveal, judges are certainly affected by the laws and the legal culture. Police almost always arrest men in any domestic altercation, even if the man is the only injured party.
Several new versions of the act have been passed in the intervening years. The website of the Family Violence Prevention Fund contains the following statement about the 2005 version of the act:
The Violence Against Women Act of 2005 contains groundbreaking new initiatives to help children exposed to violence, train health care providers to support victims of abuse, encourage men to teach the next generation that violence is wrong, and provide crisis services for victims of rape and sexual assault.
We used to have a much better program that was far more effective in preventing and treating violence against women. It was called the family.
Gregory A. Hession practices constitutional and family law in Springfield, Massachusetts.
http://www.thenewamerican.com/node/8647
32 responses so far ↓
1 Jason Elder // Aug 4, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Excellent Blog. I’ve been reading along and just wanted to say hi. I will be reading more of your posts in the future.
- Jason.
2 jlukas // Aug 4, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Thank you. And Welcome!
3 Shannon // Sep 20, 2008 at 8:19 am
I couldn’t agree with you more. THIS IS COMING FROM A WOMAN WHO WAS ABUSED FOR SEVEN YEARS. These laws do not stop abuse they destroy families. A piece of paper (restraining order) will not keep a man or woman who wants o hurt you away it only waste paper. I have seen these laws destroy loving relationships between fathers and their children. My sister-in-law wanted a divorce and now my brother-in-law has not seen his children in 9 months. My 18 year old son sued for custody of his daughter and is now facing a felony being falsely accused of leaving a voicemail.
4 Destiny // Dec 4, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Thanks for the blog I wish I had someone like you on my side. A few months ago my stepdad walked out on my cancer stricken mother and admitted to only marrying her to get into this country the next thing she knew he had her served with protection from abuse order with a bunch of false accusations then he had my brother and I served with accusations that he was afraid I would beat him up and my brother walked around town with a sword and hockey mask. Before my mother got served he was talking to her on the phone and when she went to contact him afterwards to ask why he was doing this to her he after waiting all day long decided to have her arrested and was pushing for her to go to jail. She was order to do 3 months of probation and pay a $600 fine. What is so bad is that their was no proof the accusations were so off the wall and ridiculous. He got away with it and the judge signed off on them. I feel that we were victims of injustice.
5 jlukas // Dec 4, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Welcome Destiny.
Gender driven crime like this has got to stop. And the first step is education. Most people don’t know that this is possible, much less common practice in most courtrooms today. Thanks for sharing your story.
The BEST thing that your mother can do is to fight the accusations. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY PLEA DEALS. If she has already, it will be a slippery slope for her to climb. I can recommend a good lawyer if you need one.
6 RON // Feb 22, 2009 at 12:28 am
I HAD 18 YRS. AS A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER AND MARRIED FOR 15 MONTHS. MY WIFE WAS INSECURE AND ACCUSED ME OF BEING WITH OTHER WOMEN. I WENT TO THREE COUNSELOURS TRY ING TO GET HER TO SEE THAT SHE WAS WRONG ABOUT ME. COUNSELING DID NOT WORK. MY WIFE SAID THE COUNSELOURS WERE ALL ON MY SIDE.WHEN I TOLD HER THAT WE SHOLUD GET A DIVORCE IF WE CAN’T SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. I ALSO TOLD HER SHE CAN MOVE BACK INTO HER HOME AND I WILL KEEP MY HOME. LESS THAN A WEEK LATER TWO DEPUTIES WERE AT MY DOOR ASKING ME TO LEAVE MY HOME. MY EX-WIFE TRIED TO TAKE MY HOME BY USING THE RESTRAINING ORDER. AFTER NINE MONTHS I GOT MY HOUSE BACK. BECAUSE I CAN’T CARRY A GUN ,I CAN’T BE A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. I AM STILL FIGHTING TO GET MY NAME CLEARED SO THAT I CAN FINISH MY CAREER AS A LEO. NO ONE KNOWS THE PAIN I FEEL EACH DAY TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE FALSE ALLIGATIONS MADE BY MY EX-WIFE.
7 jlukas // Feb 22, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I know of what you speak of. Greg Schmidt, a Seattle police detective who helped to develop the DV system in Seattle was falsely accused himself. He eventually won a large lawsuit, but it took him years to accomplish this. His name is run through the mud by the DIVAS even today.
There is something blatantly wrong when this happens.
8 jtorrance // Jul 21, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Dear Sir:
I too went through this with my wife almost four years ago. That “Order of Protection”, is nothing more than the ability to take away your rights with a false accusation. All this was on the advice of an A**HOLE attorney. They know the damage it causes. Then just walk away. I’ve always imagined running that MOTHERF***** down if I ever see him again. The cops are of no help either. They are all on a power trip. As for a new woman judge, forget it. I may as well have beaten the hell out of my wife, to still get the same treatment. I think I explained it best to my wife this way. If I’m gone, you will be on the street and bankrupt. With the kids you will have taken down with you. If it reaches that point, I will no longer be able to help you, or them. At that point, “Goodbye! Good Luck! Don’t call!” You are on your own. I know I’m not alone. Now, we basically tolerate each other.NO SEX. That’s actually okay. I’m not the one who’s falling apart! HA! HA! HA!
9 Kia // Aug 25, 2009 at 1:45 pm
My son is a law enforcement officer (for the time being) His ex-girlfriend is falsely accusing him of domestic violence. She is a soft spoken, 28 year old, never married, no children, daddy’s spoiled little blond when sober and a psycho B when drunk. The problem is that she is a chronic drunk (at least once a week) and BRAGS about destroying any man that “dumps” her. She completely blacks out any memory of her drunken period in which she is verbally and physically abusive (and has admitted to this under oath). She got drunk, fell down several times (usually face first) and was verbally and physically abusive (there are witnesses) My son was not drunk but had had a couple of drinks. They went home, he asked her to leave, she screams and yelled, threw things and he went to bed. THEN she claimed she woke up in her car, in his driveway and with facial injuries. She accused my son (who in the house, door locked and in bed asleep) because she had no idea how she got the injuries but “knows” he must have done it because she “couldn’t have done this to herself”. This is insanity. The judge granted her a restraining order, his job is in jeopardy AND she and her parents has been GIVEN food, gas, and motel vouchers and have been “assisted” in filling out the forms for MONEY as an abuse “victim”. She moved back in with her parents, where she has ALWAYS lived. She only lived in my son’s home for about 4 months and even went back and forth to her parents for days at a time, was unemployed, paid nothing, contributed nothing but because of her false accusations and her father’s threats was given free access to the home-the sheriff’s dept. GAVE HER A KEY and my son was restrained. This house is also my STATE registered main office address. She and her parents STOLE items from my office, took all the food (except for the health food she doesn’t eat), took pckages of toilet paper and paper towels and just about anything else they could “use” and even abused the dogs. The security trained dog bit her father and father was upset that no action could be taken because the dog was in his own yard and the father did not belong there. My son had kicked her out. She never established any residence (no change in mailing, license or registration) and suffered nothing (other than the injuries that SHE caused herself) and is now being rewarded for being a chronic drunk, possibly driving drunk and getting her revenge on him for “dumping” her. Her father even went so far as to threathen the law enforcement agency if they didn’t “fire” my son. HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG, and all with the help of the sheriff’s dept. and family law center. How can this be stopped? It’s an abuse of the law, abuse of limited funds and resources that should go to true victims and an extreme abuse of police/sheriff power to cover their own mistakes, now that her “fantasy” story is falling apart.
10 Joel Gamache // Aug 27, 2009 at 12:25 pm
We are w/ you and feel your anguish.I have lost EVERYTHING. I was a good father and husband,to a women who wanted to control my every move.Thank your government and your local court system.Tell them how you feel.
11 michael // Aug 28, 2009 at 6:40 am
And one more thing the accuser in new jersey is given a free lawyer by JBWS and I wasn’t granted a free lawyer. I had to pay 6,000 dollars to fight 2 false complaints.
12 jlukas // Aug 28, 2009 at 9:25 am
As always, it seems to be about the money. As long as people are getting paid…….
13 dekalbtxx // Sep 8, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Just imagine what the old hanging state of Texas is doing. Every legislative session they are passing more laws related to DMV. Next thing coming it will be a capital offense. after all we are the hanging state. City and County Jails are loaded to the gills with DMV offenders.
The are breaking up families. Shelters and advocey groups are actually encouraging families to break up. Women leaving and requesting protective orders because its easy to do so. If the man is arrested they need to make the woman automatically take counseling. Most cases are not abuse just personal squables between family. The state of Texas over does every thing.
14 jlukas // Sep 8, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Sen. Poe is behind the SAFE act, which is the most ridiculous piece of legislation out there to dat.
15 writewingnut // Oct 2, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Good posting. I have had horror stories with my ex who put restraining orders on me because I was contesting her custody of my kids. While I was on a restaining order she stole everything of mine in my house since I couldn’t legally go back to get my things.
16 Jake // Nov 11, 2009 at 11:01 pm
I understand what you are all saying completely. My ex girlfriend obtained a restraining order on me (based on lies) and now uses the Order as a harassment tool against me. So who really got hurt here??
17 proudmamiof2 // Nov 14, 2009 at 12:20 am
Men are just as likely to make false allegations to get a protective order. People play dirty games when it comes to children and divorces and do not keep there priorities straight. They think of themselves long before they think of there children or what rights the other person is losing. I have been in a DVIS shelter they try and get the women to say they are abused, they want them to file a protective order, plus most women and men get free lawyers when they do file for one.
18 jlukas // Nov 14, 2009 at 10:36 am
I can buy some of that, Mamaof2. But I would like to point out what you admit and that we KNOW happens in women’s shelters. Please contrast that with the amount of women being “helped” as opposed to men.
I am against any dirty games. The judges in this country need to grow a set in my opinion. What happens and is allowed as “law” in a courtroom has become shameful. Also, the DSHS has set very low standards for their “experts”
WADVPress
19 john // Jan 20, 2010 at 9:31 pm
my ex got me thrown in jail over leaving her a message calling her a name, now there offering 1 year probation 36 dv classes. went picked up our child who lives with me while i was in jail when she has, 4 child abuse charges against her nothing to do with me for calling someone a name
20 Sean // Jan 24, 2010 at 10:52 pm
my STBX also falsely accused me of rape, abuse, threatening to kill her,etc. I never even argued with her and never had any fight, nor I ever called her any stupid names. Her accusations are all lies and fabrications. Yes I had a gun for 19 years, and I had to turn it to police in 24 hours (I did it immediately). I am going to court in a week, and I thought I can have the DV order dismissed base on no evidence and all lies, but after reading the comments above, I think the law is on her side. Well, I will come back in a week to post updates.
21 Another Bartholomew Client // Jan 24, 2010 at 11:00 pm
watch out Sean, anything and everything you say from here on out will be turned against you. There are a lot of good people on this site who have been thru what you are just starting. My ex did the same thing and I mistakenly thought there was some rule of evidence, I now know the only rule of evidence in Family Court is whatever the woman says is good enough. If you want to know more ask the site administrator to put you in contact with me I would be glad to share. King County?
22 jlukas // Jan 25, 2010 at 11:17 am
Take the judge out of the picture. DO NOT use a plea bargain. Take this to a jury trial. THAT is your best chance.
WADVPress
23 Sean // Feb 1, 2010 at 7:02 pm
OK, great new today!!! I had DV hearing today, and guess what. She judge, although woman, dismissed DV and throw it out! No evidence, lack of evidence, and I am free!!!! DV is dismissed. I knew I am innocent. At least I can sleep well now.
24 Another Bartholomew Client // Feb 1, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Congrats, brother. You are one of the lucky ones, that’s a huge victory for you, enjoy.
25 JC // Feb 4, 2010 at 10:16 am
Just wanted to chime in and say congrats to Sean as well. I’ve been through the ordeal of dealing with false accusations too; keep your head up. Hopefully the ramifications will be far, far less for you than they were for me.
To the owners or operators of WADVPress: thanks for taking a stand and maintaining this blog. Change only comes from those who do not cower to those wielding power (be it corrupt or otherwise).
26 jlukas // Feb 5, 2010 at 6:08 pm
Thank you for the kind comments. My SPAM filter blocked your comment yesterday. For that, I apologize. It has been fixed.
WADVPress
27 Jennifer // Mar 28, 2010 at 2:04 pm
@jlukas: I know you posted about being able to recommend a good attorney. I wonder if you might know someone I can talk to, and soon.
My boyfriend has been charged with assault against me, even though he has NEVER assaulted me. I’ve been saying this since the beginning; apparently, though, I have no idea what I am talking about, since I’m just a “victim.” If I’m a victim of anything or anyone, it’s the judicial system who’s doing the victimizing. While I never felt like I was a helpless prisoner in my relationship with my boyfriend (when we were allowed to have a relationship, that is), I definitely feel like I am a helpless prisoner to a judicial system that won’t listen to or care about the truth.
I don’t want to say much on here, as I’ve already ignorantly done more harm that good, I fear, by trying to explain that he’s never hurt me. Oh, what I didn’t know then. All I will say is I am going to be called to testify in court soon. I’m assuming I’m going to be a witness for the prosecution, and I’m afraid that the truth is NOT going to set my boyfriend free. I’ve seen how the “truth” has been twisted thus far, and it isn’t encouraging.
Yes, we are among those poor folk that can’t afford an attorney (he’s now out of work, and, and I’m a teacher. I make enough to get by, but not much more). If I had the money, I’d hire the best attorney money could by for him. As it is, I’m just hoping that somebody can give me some advice, before the next what-I-didn’t-know-then lands a man completely INNOCENT of assault in prison.
Thanks in advance for your help. I’m trying not to give up hope, but it’s very difficult.
28 jlukas // Mar 28, 2010 at 2:13 pm
My e-mail is jlukas@wadvpress.org. Please contact me.
WADVPress
29 charles ross jr // Jun 30, 2010 at 2:27 pm
i was false accuse of domestic violence i just went threw a 52 wk program. my wife was having affair when i was in jail. on the 10 of april 2010 she went without me knowing got a restraining and file for divorce. on the 23th of april she told me she had a restraining order i was never sever that order. i left because i did want any trouble. she they went to divorce court may 12 2010 with out my notice she got full custody of my kids an restraining which she false made up. can some body please help me
30 jlukas // Jun 30, 2010 at 2:33 pm
You have to help yourself. It takes time to procure public disclosure documents and records that support your case. Because you left and didn’t show for court is a major issue. You CAN file complaints against your DVPT provider if they played a part in this mess. The fact that you weren’t served properly is also an issue.
31 Larry // Jul 31, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Wow, after reading all this, I see my life is over. Especially since my wife charged me with simple assualt first, she was looking for simpathy from me. She is border line personality disorder but only the people she mentaly hurts, like me, my childern and people that worked for her and know her. I was found guilty in a nano second, judge acted like he didn’t want to hear about it. If anyone knows a good attorney, I need one, as she now has filed domestic violence against me for same incident. Below is my story if interested.
Wife had screamed and been argumentive Friday night for hours. So bad that while we were at Pizza hut eating my daughter threatened to have the manager remove her. Saturday I tried to stay clear of her by working around the house. She stayed busy preparing to pick up her mother from the hospital who lives with us. In the early evening hours she arrived with her mom and I helped get her inside. Wife watches her mother at our house as she cannot care for herself.
Wifes mom needed a prescription filled so I went to town to do same and went out to eat also by myself. Wife called me on my cell to argue about my sister again. Then she stated that my daughter told her I may have to get a divorce when the children get out of high school. Wife stated I may not need to wait that long and if I can’t take the heat to get out of the frying pan.
I went outside and boiled sap for the evening. Wife came out a couple times to see what I was doing, we had little conversation past what I was doing. I finished around 9:30 and came inside and prepared for bed, then went down stairs to the first floor to watch TV. My son went to bed on the second floor, Wifes Mom was in bed already on the first floor sleeping soundly. Wife and I said about 15 words to each other as she completed reading and stated she was going to bed.
Wife came back down stairs about 20 minutes later as she has done many times in the past couple years to be argumentive about trivial things that she turns into big problems in her mind. She then reached across the couches and aggressively pulled the remote TV controller from my hand. Stating she was going to watch what she wanted to watch. I stated fine with me and went down stairs to the cellar where we have an office with computer, TV and single bed.
Wife arrived in the office about 30 seconds behind me and layed down on the bed next to the desk where the computer sits. I was standing in front of the desk between her and the computer chair waiting for the computer to start up so I could work on it. I was looking on the file cabinets while maintaining my position when wife decided to jump up and go around me to get into the computer chair so I could not sit there as the computer was almost loaded. I decided that I would sit on her lap to indicate my unhappiness with her second attempt in 3 minutes to ruin what I was trying to do. Since this resulted in no response I leaned back on her with my weight and lifted my legs up a couple times. While I did this wife was pulling on my ear lobes. At this time the chair wheel broke causing the chair to tilt backwards against the wall. At no time did the chair fall over or lean more than 30 degrees. I decided to get up off her and the chair and while she was getting up from the chair she grabbed my testicles which caused me to step away. I then, acting like a wise guy, stated sorry, I did not see you there a couple times.
Since we were in front of the desk she decided she would further ruin my night by grabbing the monitor and tipped it over into the keyboard. She then reached for the computer tower to tip or pull it out. In the past my son has had to stand over her in the office while she was removing things from the office to protect the computer from damage as she stated she would rip it out of the room. That time only ended in one broken connection. Since I did not want that again I grabbed her by the arms and pushed her down on the bed that was 3 feet from the desk and computer tower. She hung on to me as we fell so I ended up on top of her. I got off her and got up. She also began to get up and grabbed my testicles again causing me to turn away.
When wife stood up I once again grabbed her arms and pushed her backwards out the office door which was four steps away. I pushed her out into the cellar area and quickly closed the office door. The door does not have a lock so I had to shoulder the door closed as she was banging, pushing kicking and screaming on the other side. She continued her verbal accusations that got us to this point from the outside of the doorway for about 3 minutes. I heard her go up the stairs and I stayed in the office for a couple hours until I knew she was in bed asleep before I went up to bed.
Wife states she broke her finger when the chair fell backwards and hit the wall. I think her hand worked fine while she grabbed my testicles, knocked over the monitor and pounded on the door. I conclude that she hurt her finger while hitting the door and that is why she stopped and went to bed.
On a side note, the finger brace was off the day after it was put on.( As an update at end of April, wife called me at work to state that the Alpine clinic called to say the finger is not broken. Wife then stated the only thing they have on me is me sitting on her in the chair. )
On a side note, we have been going through a rough 2.5 years. She initially wanted a divorce out of nowhere. She has moved in and out of the house 4 or more times, sometimes for up to a month. She did provide a place where the children could come see her.
She has been on medication at one point to keep her happy, the only reason I allowed another shot at the marraige.
She abruptly closed a successful business we started up.
Drawn up divorce papers multiple times. Hired lawyers on both sides for a divorce.
We have been to counseling on and off for marriage.
She has been so upset over nothing that she would have anxiety attacks.
She was paranoid that I was tracking her car because we own a standard GPS for automobiles, even the manufacturers Tech Rep could not convince her that the Garmin NUVI GPS cannot do that.
She came out to my garage while I was rebuilding a motor and worked herself up so much that she through an object at my 30k dollar antique car causing a scratch and dent in a flawless paint job. Knowing it means a lot to me hence intent to make me mad.
Multiple times in the past year during her flip out periods she would not leave me alone. She was preventing me from getting sleep by throwing water at me, piling clothes on me, throwing objects off my bureau at me, shaking me, talking to me, all when I am trying to sleep for work the next day.
I could go on for hours telling of her crazy incidents but I think you get the idea. Any input, I would appreciate it.
Thanks,
Larry
32 jlukas // Jul 31, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Sounds like you’re screwed, UNLESS you have not taken a plea deal. The ONLY way to fight this is to get a good lawyer and contest it all the way. There are many clinical studies out there that describe your situation, and it sounds like most of the abuse is coming from her.
Fight this, my friend. I would recommend Paul Eagle.
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